Confessions of a Grinder

This one is for the men. I do not recommend vegans, women, animal lovers, and other species to read this. All right men, so we all daydream about having our own man caves. Hell yeah! It could be any room—an abandoned bedroom, a crèche, an unused second garage, a basement, an attic, an outhouse, a barn, or maybe even the entire house if you’re single enough.

Troy ‘T-Licious’ Davidson, one of the Texas Poker Store writers and an awesome poker player, has one of the coolest man caves I’ve ever seen, on TV or in person. It’s a good old sturdy kick-ass Texas style wooden barn out in the woods built by his father-in-law. I’ve never witnessed a more ‘Texan way of playing poker than when I played dealer-call-it poker games at this barn with the Texas gang—John, Troy, Steve, Jim, Paul, Francisco, etc. It was hardcore. There was everything a man could ask for—cigars, whiskey, beer, good music, better poker players, and the best sausages I’ve ever eaten.

I have prepared a short checklist of all the things you would need in a man cave. I hope it helps you build your dream cave. Here is what you need in a Man Cave.

Room: The minimal ideal dimensions for a man-cave are 10 ft x 15 ft—the bigger the better.

Walls: You need cool wallpaper or wall murals, something that speaks for your taste. If you are a rebel, you could spray paint some graffiti or have a local artist do it. I personally prefer a classy wooden look. Wallpaper is both economical and a good sound absorbent. You could adorn your walls with life-size neatly framed posters of your favorite men like Bobby Binion, Jack Nicklaus, Doyle Brunson, Babe Ruth—something that starts a conversation after a few drinks. I know what you’re thinking. Why not hang a poster of Farrah Fawcett or Pam. Hell no. No women allowed in the confinements of this man den.   Back to our daydream design! You could also have a niche in a wall with a sliding door that opens into a shelf for drinks or a bar! Don’t forget to hang your gun collection, some mounted animal heads, your autographed guitars and some trippy neon-lit signs—oh yes, they are the best.

Ceilings: I definitely do not recommend chandeliers. This isn’t a corporate banquet. You’re going to have your good friends over for some man-time. Leave the ceiling blank. I recommend a false ceiling with a good remote-control-operated mechanical cooling/ heating duct system. You could cover this with beige ceiling tiles to match your woody wallpaper. Heat is the most important thing you would need in a room like that on cold nights and vice versa. You need good ceiling spotlights with remote control operated dimmers.

Furniture: Recliners, Recliners, Recliners!  Something that can house your 300-pound obese sweaty friend. Don’t be thrifty about these. Buy the best and most comfortable recliners out there with drink holders. Tell your electrician to set up remote controls on each of these recliners that control music, lights, air-conditioning, TVs and door-locks. You also need saddle-top bar stools, two three-seater couches, four side tables, a large center table, a pool table, a poker table, an entertainment center, a bar with a serving counter, a shoe rack and a coat rack. I also recommend raising one corner of your cave to make a dais. This dais can have a mike stand with a good mike connected to your speakers. Have your electrician embed your speakers throughout your cave to give you a surround-sound effect. Set up a drum kit and a guitar with stands on the corner of this dais. You could either jam with friends or sing karaoke. Some websites recommend gym equipment. I don’t! I’m talking about some good old whiskey drinking sports-watching man time. Avoid magazines. Who wants to read? You also need a big flat screen TV preferably 70 inches or bigger, also connected to the surround sound. Remember! Your TV, lights, cooling, heating, surround sound, music, all of this needs to be remote controlled. No mirrors, no wall clocks, and no chimes—this is time way from home where you want to be lost. Your floor needs to be carpeted. Carpets muffle the floor against sound and cozy the den up. Yes, your friends are bound to drop a drink or two on it, but that is part of the deal. Change your carpet once every year.

You also need a big freezer for all your bottled drinks right next to your bar and near your recliners and TV.  A nice set of whiskey glasses and a good cigar cutter is a must. Stock your den with cigars, booze and sodas. Have a wall hanging CD shelf right next to your music system and your dais. Your laptop and your pen-drives with music are all going to be near your music system. Call your geeky Indian friend and get everything interconnected; your music system, TV and laptop need to be interconnected. The poker table needs huge comfortable chairs that recline. You could also hang a few sound absorbent panels here and there to muffle sound and cozy up the place. If your cave has a window, I recommend heavy curtains on that wall. If it’s a temporarily unused garage with a garage door, wall it up! You could tear the wall down later. Make sure your walls are well insulated.

That’s it! You are now set. I hope your dream of having a great man cave is achieved. If you need a design, I am a licensed architect and will help you design yours! Contact me. Until then, good luck at the tables.

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